This is a magic button lets the person who owns the door your stood at to know they would like you to answer the door. The finger in the picture is white, do not be concerned if your skin is not white, the internet just seemed only have the finger of a white person pressing the magic doorbell button, it does react to other skin colours too, so don’t worry about that – any suggestion that it’s racist is a complete lie

You could be old fashioned and knock on the door – but the owner of the door will go “Tut! it’s 2025” and “doesn’t this person realise I’ve gone to the trouble of ordering this doorbell and installing it on my door and fitting the ‘ding dong’ part in my flat. WTF would they knock?” or “hmmm! is that my neighbour doing random DIY again?”

Once you’ve realised the door your stood at has had the doorbell button upgrade, simply press the button and the doorbell will light up

If you:

Knock – I’ll think it could be that neighbour doing random DIY again

Use the Letterbox a door knocker – Very short person who can’t reach the doorbell or more likely, someone who doesn’t know what a doorbell is, or who doesn’t really want the door answered. If you are a short person or wheel chair user please let us know and we’ll move the magic button lower down for you. If you are a short person or in a wheelchair – always handy having something you can whack this magic button with – trust me, I’ve seen some higher up, so your in with a chance of reaching this one – good luck!

The occupant will also expect you to have an appointment, they may disregard a “ding dong” if they’re not expecting you, are in the middle of watching a good film, on the toilet, in the shower or eating a McDs or KFC. The doorbell button has been made by Q at MI6, so it can also secretly take a fingerprint from you and then if your a cold caller or are an unexpected visitor – ignore you and your future visits, so please make sure the doorbell is expecting you, otherwise it might go “dong ding” (“ding dong backwards”) so I know to carry on watching that film or not to rush my shower. If the doorbell button really hates you it might take a DNA sample so it can ignore all your family in future too – so do be careful with it

There is a device in the flat that helpfully goes “ding dong” closer to the living room, so I know your there. You might not be able to hear the “ding dong” but that’s not how it works, the occupant needs to know your there, you don’t need to hear the “ding dong” as your at the door and have pressed the button, the doorbell will expect you to remember you’ve just pressed it, alternatively you could say “ding dong” in your head, if it makes you feel better

It does take some time to get from the living room to the door – so kindly wait before pressing it again – if you do it before 5 to 10 seconds, the doorbell will assume your very impatient and stop going “ding dong”. We’ve warned you about it taking your fingerprints and your DNA, so it can ignore you next time – use sparingly – you don’t want it know that your parents aren’t your real parents now do you?

We’ve yet to have the living room sofa catapult system installed so will take time to get up from the sofa and answer the door, the doorbell might be offended if your impatient, please wait at least ten seconds before your next “ding dong”, you are pressing a magic doorbell button on a flat and not a toilet cubicle, so we’re not sat on the toilet behind the front door. You’ve seen the building from the outside, so if you are tempted to press the button faster than 10 seconds, your really crap at guessing distance – have another go

The doorbell does offer a loyalty scheme – but it’s just a scam – don’t accept the card it offers you, you don’t get a better service with the card, it still goes “ding dong” even with the card, it doesn’t do it in a posher voice or go “ding dong, ding dong” like it claims, just does it once like before

If in doubt ask the occupant – unless the doorbell button is listening, in which we will have to lie and repeat what the doorbell says too – if we wink at you, we’re lying and the doorbell makes us say what we’re saying

If we call the doorbell button calls us Dave we’re both f**ked – you remember where the lift is right? RUN!! My name isn’t Dave

.